crystal_sun396: (Default)
"The second class is an all day field trip on the research vessel seawolf on the Hudson river. So hopefully you can make that."

Right now, I love my major so hard.

RIGHT NOW

See how I feel tomorrow with some (perspective) sleep in me. It's also Day One for this class. They say the workload is killer, but worth it. (... number crunching wise, it's probably not worth my entire future. BUT OH EM GEE SAMPLE COLLECTING EEEEEEEE ?!)
crystal_sun396: (workworkljwork)
Packing for school tomorrow and I can't believe that after all those months of longing for it, I'm going to have to leave my bookshelves behind again. I wasted twenty minutes of last minute packing time just staring at the rows and double-rows of books that I'm not going to be able to have, like, in my hands any time I want, for the next few months. It was kind of really pathetic.

The few I'm taking back with me... a disproportionate amount are children books I read in, like, elementary school. I'm thinking of it as comfort food. Something warm and heavy and not especially challenging to tide me over this coming half-year when I'm losing my shit because science no longer fits into my skull.

Speaking of which, just looking at my schedule for next year makes me want to curl up in a little ball and cry. And there are only four classes? And one of them is karate? And this is really pathetic? (There are now four five four sciences, karate golf? lap swim, and a Global Core (African Civ!). It seems more doable, somehow. An illusion.)

Of course the other three are all hard core sciences, but come on, self. Remember when all you lived for was to be a good student? Remember when academics was your element?

Oh, and then remember the past two years. What the fuck was that?

... This isn't helping with anything, but on some level, I feel like if I scare myself enough, I'll perform better. This used to be how it worked. Scare myself, work harder, ???, profit. But now I think I've reached the limits of how far threats can take me. Paralyzing fear, or just procrastination from packing? Either way, this is pretty terrible.

I'm so terrified for this coming semester. Why on earth am I... Why do I have ambitions? Why doesn't that at least make me ambitious?

Talking to Second helped. We are, all of us, scared. I'm going to go hide under a chapter book.
crystal_sun396: (workworkljwork)
This post is full of whining :(

1. My total GPA just broke the 3.6 line. That's right, in the wrong direction. I did mention I was doing poorly this semester, didn't I? I'm more afraid of my cousin's disappointment than my own.

Why do I even bother with ambitions? It's not like they motivate me. Supremely unmotivated, me.

2. In only moderately related news, I am tired of being my current self and am ready to try pretending to be someone else. You know, again. Because it seems I've turned into that guy I never liked anyway, and I've nearly forgotten why I love the things I do which was the whole point of the weirdo I am trying out at the moment.

Hm, whining. Hopefully you'll see less of this. I'm too old to get my teenage angst on. Thank goodness it's summer.

3. I apparently need to read more 17th century poetry. Or just poetry in general, but I was just recommended the whole of the 17th century. Should keep me busy.

Oh, also this: Song on the End of the World - Czeslaw Milosz. Not related to anything in particular. I... like this guy's stuff? I don't know.

And those who expected lightning and thunder
Are disappointed.
crystal_sun396: (Default)
A continuation? Addition? Six Records is slowly becoming one of my favorite books ever. Who'd' a' thunk it?

An excerpt from the INTRODUCTION for the Drumknotts and Alfreds and ... Iantos? of fiction.

Shen Fu was, by his standards and by our own, a conspicuous failure in many ways... )
crystal_sun396: (Default)
My clever clever cousin is one of the best things that ever happened to me, although I certainly wasn't convinced of this as a tiny child. He's now studying in a great school about four hours north of me doing insane things with time management (!!) and Game Theory in addition to his double-major-plus-premed shaped thing. Among the other wonderful and RL-relevant things he sent me that will no doubt involve me actually being motivated and, well, awake for starters, he sent me this:

Pancakes Every Morning!

Reproduced because I'm afraid of the internet eating these things years down the line. )

I can't decide whether I feel inspired or exhausted.
crystal_sun396: (zombies)
Dream: Big fuzzy white monster, random Animorph cameo, get myself eaten for the greater good.
I didn't oversleep this time! Even woke way early. I don't know why this happened. )



On a happier note: Gah, cutest sandworm ever!. ... It's more of an earthworm, actually. But it's still cute.

I can start focusing on my finals and final projects now! Or I can as soon as my next class is over. as;dlkfj;lkjasf I am sure that I am a failure as a student. I want my cousin. :<
crystal_sun396: (umbrella)
11/26/09
I dreamed I was a bacterial chromosome being attacked by restriction enzymes. They kept menacing my restriction sites, and I was worried my sticky ends wouldn't match up again in the right order. It was so AWKWARD.

Why can't my lab class invade the more useful areas of my brain?
crystal_sun396: (workworkljwork)
Lunch with Caitlin (of CC) for Monday

We poor souls who have long toiled
This waning weekend
And even now still into the ever-aging night
For Contemporary Civilizations (and other obligations)
Will soon bow our heads together
Over our text(books)
As we anxiously prepare for our physics examination
Past homeworks, notes,
Basic equations

Not tasting our dining hall food.


This Monday (today) I will turn in my short essay on Rachel Carson written in simplified Chinese and edited by my lovely roommate, take my first Physics midterm and hopefully not botch that so badly as the Bio one especially if the practice exam was anything to go by (it's a TRAP), and turn in my at-present nine page CC paper about the issues of lies as a foundation of the kallipolis of Plato's Republic that I started last night and finished an hour ago.

I haven't been outside of my dorm since Thursday evening.

I've made more headway in House Harkonnen than I can justify to myself.

I've eaten all of the instant!food I keep around my half of the room except my tasty vitamins because I'm not starving or anything (there are cup noodles for that) but I'm nervous and I eat when I'm nervous. I'm not especially stressed, although my paper could use editing - some time between the midterm and the class, I think.

On Thursday, I made that avocado-tofu dish I do with some really RANDOM ingredient substitutes and everyone liked it so that was a relief (and gratifying).

On Wednesday, I was a grumpy-pants. (But I'm not sorry - I'm just aware. My points were valid even if my attitude could have been... less grumpy. So bite me.)

On Tuesday, well, you know.

My Skype is hating on Lina's, and I have Caitlin-from-school up in the other window, still finishing up her essay which she started today at 7pm waaaaat?, and I think studying would probably just fail right around now so... crawling off to bed.

Earlier than when I went to sleep yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that. Pffft loopy?

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