crystal_sun396: (umbrella)
Ugh, today. You should console me. No you shouldn't. I am going to go console myself. With calories. Like an adult.

(Everyone is sick or tired or miserable right now, what do I do? (Blog about it.))
crystal_sun396: (workworkljwork)
Packing for school tomorrow and I can't believe that after all those months of longing for it, I'm going to have to leave my bookshelves behind again. I wasted twenty minutes of last minute packing time just staring at the rows and double-rows of books that I'm not going to be able to have, like, in my hands any time I want, for the next few months. It was kind of really pathetic.

The few I'm taking back with me... a disproportionate amount are children books I read in, like, elementary school. I'm thinking of it as comfort food. Something warm and heavy and not especially challenging to tide me over this coming half-year when I'm losing my shit because science no longer fits into my skull.

Speaking of which, just looking at my schedule for next year makes me want to curl up in a little ball and cry. And there are only four classes? And one of them is karate? And this is really pathetic? (There are now four five four sciences, karate golf? lap swim, and a Global Core (African Civ!). It seems more doable, somehow. An illusion.)

Of course the other three are all hard core sciences, but come on, self. Remember when all you lived for was to be a good student? Remember when academics was your element?

Oh, and then remember the past two years. What the fuck was that?

... This isn't helping with anything, but on some level, I feel like if I scare myself enough, I'll perform better. This used to be how it worked. Scare myself, work harder, ???, profit. But now I think I've reached the limits of how far threats can take me. Paralyzing fear, or just procrastination from packing? Either way, this is pretty terrible.

I'm so terrified for this coming semester. Why on earth am I... Why do I have ambitions? Why doesn't that at least make me ambitious?

Talking to Second helped. We are, all of us, scared. I'm going to go hide under a chapter book.
crystal_sun396: (workworkljwork)
This post is full of whining :(

1. My total GPA just broke the 3.6 line. That's right, in the wrong direction. I did mention I was doing poorly this semester, didn't I? I'm more afraid of my cousin's disappointment than my own.

Why do I even bother with ambitions? It's not like they motivate me. Supremely unmotivated, me.

2. In only moderately related news, I am tired of being my current self and am ready to try pretending to be someone else. You know, again. Because it seems I've turned into that guy I never liked anyway, and I've nearly forgotten why I love the things I do which was the whole point of the weirdo I am trying out at the moment.

Hm, whining. Hopefully you'll see less of this. I'm too old to get my teenage angst on. Thank goodness it's summer.

3. I apparently need to read more 17th century poetry. Or just poetry in general, but I was just recommended the whole of the 17th century. Should keep me busy.

Oh, also this: Song on the End of the World - Czeslaw Milosz. Not related to anything in particular. I... like this guy's stuff? I don't know.

And those who expected lightning and thunder
Are disappointed.

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crystal_sun396

December 2013

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