Distribution Frame

Meme from Sai and Dre and... I think Sophie? And.... I am not keeping track, hey? Some of these apply to more than one person. Hopefully I'm pretty predictable in regards to things I would want to inform others of, or I haven't been doing my duty.

... Also, I can't shut up.

Things I Wish I Could Say to Different People Right Now:

1. You're still the person I trust the most in the world, and our friendship is still something I consider ideal. Perfect acceptance. One day we'll be in the same fandoms again, and we'll pick everything right up again. In the meantime, our occasional random throwing of hearts at each other is all I need.

2. I want to know you better, but I know you enough now to make a judgment. I have a right to make that judgment and you have earned it, honest. You're sweet and interesting. I like you. You should just accept that I like you for now instead of worrying about our degree of association. I can just change my mind later, if you disappoint me, okay? But I don't think you will.

3. Please, I do mean what I say when I fangirl all over you. The cognitive dissonance when I lie about stuff like that is usually too much trouble to bother with. It probably all sounds ridiculous by now. I bet it's repetitive. But I want to say it every time I think it; I want to let you know while I can, because I can.

4. You give great advice and lots of insights to things I would otherwise miss. You put up with me so graciously, it's like you're made of patience except you have to also be made of crack. I'm always a little surprised to remember that there exist people as supportive as you. You inspire me to be better for other people.

5. I've owed you candy for nearly two years now. I haven't forgotten, even if we haven't spoken for a while. I remember you every time I see that kind, and feel a little guilty inside.

6. Our friendship ended with such dignity. Or maybe I mean "paused". One can just as easily be the other, and maybe that's what I'm talking about. I still read your entries sometimes, and it makes me happy to see you doing well.

7. You are off-limits for a lot of things. This is a shame, because you are one of maybe two people I could see myself able to stand living with for any significant length of time and vice versa. After all, we've done it before. (And yeah, tried to kill each other daily, but we could be so good now.) At least our love for each other has got to be something like compulsory, by now. .... Actually, that's probably not good either.

8. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much more of me than I've been able to give, or maybe you deserve someone else who can actually give you those things. I will try to make more of an effort. I don't know why it is such an effort, besides the overhanging guilt (which is majorly counterproductive), but I can find out and deal with it. You're such a good person. Too good a person.

9. Every time you reassure me, I feel that much more comfortable. Every time we just talk probably helps too. The intimidated feeling is almost unavoidable since I've got this particular breed of awe for you. Um, so just be patient with me. I'll get over it.

10. You're the most natural teacher I know. It is really impressive. I love hearing you explaining things, no matter what they are, because you can make them so interesting and easy to grasp. All subjects of all complexities. You've patience and thoughtfulness and insane amounts of clarity of thought and expression. I wish I had some of that understanding, so that maybe I could be of more use to you. I wish I could give you the contentment you deserve.

Look! A real update that doesn't consist of links and junk! (This SO needs to be edited - TMI warnings?) That's because the RL finally got interesting enough for me to notice it over the brilliant shiny colors of my beautiful new fandom (if you haven't heard by now, it is Transformers! ♥ ). ... Although RL didn't have to get my attention this way.

( TL;DR: I am sick. Art class is going decently. Trying for a TF/AM X-over. Am behind on RPing. )

Or maybe I'll just go TF-fic hunting. /: Guh.

I had a dream last night. ... This morning. This morning, I had a dream that me and a group of friends (classmates, acquaintances, other people roughly my age) were attacked by zombies. We were in a smallish room at the edge of a larger complex. It was a pretty lived in room, actually, with messy large polished-wood desks and some sort of carpeting and a supply closet. There was an air vent by the closet and a small window-slit in the door.

The first time things went over pretty well. We didn't breathe too loudly and we didn't move very much. We tried not to talk, but Nat (... I don't know a Nat. I don't know.) did mention the air vent and how we needed to escape that way as soon as the coast was clear. There was screaming outside in the hallways, but it wasn't very loud. It was day, and the window light was pretty clear - it was as nice day out, is what I mean. Like this morning. So mostly, our room was just passed by.

The second time, things were very bad. I'm not exactly sure why there was a second time. Maybe my brain couldn't be bothered with coming up with a new dream, but anyway, I had the same dream again. Only this time, we got some other people in the room. And the zombies noticed, and broke through the door. It's like in that movie I saw over the summer, where the lurching people noticed the dog door and crawled through. Anyway, I remember it being really awkward scrambling out from under the things we were hiding under or behind, but we had to because we had been spotted and there was no good hiding. (There might have been some good for whoever was in the top part of the closet under the blue... mat-thing. I hope they got out through the air vent). Some of us were trying to push the others out (the heroes, whoever they were, so they could save the world or whatever) while the rest of us tried to hold off the zombies.

We fought for a little while. It didn't really count as fighting, maybe, because what could we do? We had no weapons and they were much stronger than us. They killed us all. They killed me. Right before I died, I do know that I was surprised. It was kind of like in a game. "Oh, we lost? We really die now?" I don't know, I think I was waiting for someone to save us. I was torn in half, pretty much, from where my neck joins my left shoulder and downwards. I think my left part fell to the ground but I was being held up by my head and that's really all I know because then I was dead. It didn't really hurt, but I was sad about us losing and about everyone being dead.

Maybe someone escaped, maybe someone got out of there, but I don't know. I doubt it. Next time, we should probably start shoving people up first thing, but what would be the point? The zombies would notice the room, get in, and kill everyone. If more people got into the vents, the zombies would just follow them and kill them there. There was a window; I don't know why we didn't run outside that way. There was green grass outside, and a nice sky. Maybe it was fake. Maybe the zombies had to stay inside the building? It wasn't that bad a dream. Like, it wasn't a nightmare. Everything was too detached. I should think of something to do, in case I have this dream again. This time, we're gonna win.

I had a dream the night before, too. Lily was in it, I think. And there was touch over the internet. Virtual bodies that could be sent across cyberspace. Lily's body-thing was visiting and I was asking her what it was like from her end, because I wanted to try going to the other side. And that's pretty much it. We were probably at a college dorm, much like where the, uh, zombies attacked the next night. Um. ... This was a good dream too.

Aaaaaand the night before that, I had a dream that I was gluing (pasting, more like) red maple leaves to planes of glass. Many many leaves one by one. And then someone else much larger than me (not exactly corporeal?) was pasting those glass sheets to the sky. We were decorating, preparing because someone special was going to visit very soon. Anyway, it was very pretty, even if it didn't make a great deal of sense.